Tremble at my presents

Posted on Wednesday 01/04/2017 02:34:31


I sat down on the sofa, taking care not to spill any Earl Grey tea onto my bespoke Armani suit as I did so. Unusually I was sipping not from my favourite Royal Doulton china cup, but from a large mug with ‘WTF welcome to flagstaff’ printed on it. Normally I would regard a mug as being too plebeian a receptacle to use for my beverages, but today was different. Today was the day when my Christmas presents from my KCL Secret Santa, Pamela, had arrived, and I wanted to savour them to the full.

Tee shirt

However the tee shirt bearing the slogan ‘Bigfoot BBQ Flagstaff AZ’ would, I felt, be better modelled by one of the most desirable of my Basement Girls. As I sat back I admired the way that the red fabric was moulded around her high, shapely breasts, and felt pleased that I had turned down the central heating low enough for her erect nipples to stand out with such aesthetic perfection. Some female KCL members may make sneering remarks about the way male authors describe women’s breasts, but they don’t understand. How could they? They lack our finer sensibilities.

Book covers

As I watched her sensuous display and mused about male writers and women’s breasts, I found the fingers of my free hand unconsciously stroking the spines of my two other presents: Area of Suspicion and The Damned, by John D MacDonald, a man who bore an uncanny resemblance to the former British prime minister Harold Wilson. A coincidence? I didn’t think so.

Book backs
Harold Wilson

But full, round breasts and stiffened nipples aside, thank you, Pamela, for your presents, and there is no need to apologise for their late arrival. As any good erotica writer would say, it is better to come late than never to come at all.


Advice for my Secret Santa

Posted on Sunday 12/11/2016 12:07:08

The main thing is to think of something that is frivolous rather than useful, and which will amuse both me and KCL members when I post a picture of your present in my blog. Things like the pillowcase with a picture of Christy Dutton that Matt bought me. Preferably cheap – I don’t want you to spend a lot. Not that I’m suggesting Christy Dutton is cheap! But you know what I mean. I hope.

Having said that, if you do want to buy something I will actually use, your best bet is a film on DVD or Blu-ray (ideally the latter). I read a lot, but books cover a wide range of specialised preferences, while films are intended to satisfy a much larger audience, so your odds of choosing a film I’ll enjoy are far higher than with a book. If you do go for this, remember I don’t get out, and only have broadcast TV, so I’m very unlikely to have seen a film that’s been released in at least the last two years, probably more like three or four. My tastes are simple. Pretty well any action film that involves a beautiful actress with full, pouting lips wearing a close-fitting top that moulds itself around her full, shapely breasts and her stiffened, erect nipples. You’ve seen Denise Richards in Wild Things? Of course you have!

A low-cost video game either for my PC or my aging Xbox 360 (please note that I do not have an Xbox One) will also be well-received. Ideally a puzzle-adventure or a stealth game rather than a combat-heavy one, but they’re pretty thin on the ground, so I’ll take what I get. Just don’t spend much!

NOTE: Please bear in mind that due to region coding for DVDs, Blu-rays, and some video games, you should order such an item from within the UK, most obviously (you will be able to use your existing Amazon account for any country’s Amazon store). Indeed I recommend you do so whatever you get, as it will save you international shipping fees, filling in a customs label, and a lengthy delivery time.

Remember! Just make sure she’s it’s cheap! May Cthulhu bless you!


Do you recognise my voice?

Posted on Saturday 12/10/2016 02:35:11

This is an old one I first posted on the blog I created on Blogger after the fall of Journalspace. It is, of course, reproduced here following Steve’s post about the strange results that can be had from using voice recognition software.

The following is the result of a test of the Windows Vista voice recognition software that came bundled with my laptop computer.


I want to see how well voice recognition works.

I don’t think that it works very well. This cannot recognise my main her mind name has Simon. This MS Latimer you flourish, no one I pronounce the less sense it makes is an interesting exercise, much rather a waste of time. I wonder how well it would understand me, who has in the superior entire. This is so close to the house narrower than the tightening. Want Neil O’Donnell for likes. I think I would be better off using the keyboard. Well, this not enough right. I wonder what the this thinking.

It wasn’t were led London been so likely to didn’t Diana and Indian born in the way handle and the work the oracle and in your walking.

I think I’m wasting my time here. Resign. I didn’t say that. I didn’t say he in resign, I sale of northern line. That this isn’t your thing and lands and the work, is made company hierarchy and makes no sense at all.

Let’s try again from the beginning.

I am determined to make this work. It name kill me, much I shall succeeding. This well be the name of our think that’s fine too.

Let’s try saying that my main. My and named after its Simon. I sailor and my nameless this fine and; her a note that HA next place next pace next pace I don’t seem to be able to next may us. How do you press next day? Nears its own difficult to next space?

This note groin. This can’t recognise an of a single word I say. One so complete waste of time. One of the main, no country line don’t know lorry? This is quite entertaining any other kind of way.

Well, I thought that this might make a writer like an entry., Fiercely in line with demand. Do they seriously expect people to use them? Know what this collection are I said at the front line. All of you, leave the country while you’re a. Neck space mine doesn’t to understand the next day?

I think this has been in the learning experience more of them all. Solomon! I send small dose for a of them are useless while one Clara.

Firemen and says that this is the her hand. Quoted by normal. Nell the narrow that didn’t work do this?

Thank you micros off. Lunch was so close to the Microsoft’s next place.

I am within a for despair. Five years of. I senate five years are. Nor five year terms, the years of never mind. No mine girl, I am at my wit’s end. KE this got to the next line! File say. Nome, or final say. How under fire can do I say he has this document? I want to savour this document. Nome, I want to see if this document. Gnome, I want to say he in this document. May room! Say! Gnome! Not Roman Lomax!

I won’t do this neck of the keyboard. Thank this for me mark!


As Microsoft says, this is cutting-edge technology, and is clearly quicker than using a keyboard. The above only took me about half an hour. One day all offices will be using it.

Sadly I didn’t record what I actually said, so no comparison is possible, but the penultimate paragraph was my attempt to save the document, and I think ‘How under fire can do I say he has this document?’ was probably ‘How the fuck do I save this document?’, while the last sentence was probably ‘Fuck this for a lark!’ ‘Want Neil O’Donnell for likes.’ was probably ‘What a load of bollocks this is.’ The rest must remain purely speculation.



Posted on Wednesday 09/21/2016 05:07:51

A friend of mine – whom I met on Facebook nearly two years ago – has rashly decided to become a member of KCL, despite my having warned her about the appallingly low standard of literacy of its members. Her user name is Nightbreed ‘After that old horror film.’ I had to look it up. 1990? 1990 is old?! Furthermore she impressed me by being able to set up an account here using an iPhone. I tried navigating the site to assist her without first being logged in and was unable to get anything at all to work. In fact I fared little better after logging in. Has anyone else noticed how most of the buttons on the home page don’t do anything? Anyway, she has found her way past the defences with which we surround ourselves, and is poised to create a blog.

I realise I don’t have to warn you to be nice to her. I know you will be. And I should like to tell you now that she knows all about me, so there is no point in your trying to embarrass me with references to my predilection for well-formed, visually appealing sentences, or of the teenage girls I allegedly keep in my basement. As for the sheep – well, I would like you to think of me as you do that fine man Mr David Cameron. When an Englishman is confronted with a dead animal, all he can think of is how he can simultaneously practice necrophilia and bestiality; that is just the way of it. There is no need to keep bringing it up in front of common friends. I hope we understand each other.

As I somewhat condescendingly told her of what to put in her first blog post: Don’t worry about saying much. The shorter the entry the better. Introduce yourself, so people will know your weaknesses. Mention you know me, and all will fear and respect you! Remember! Fear and respect!

Thank you. That will be all for now. You may go about your normal business.


Sorry, Mary!

Posted on Tuesday 09/13/2016 01:19:59

Mary, sorry for inadvertently jinxing your last comments thread due to failure to properly close a link tag.

To compensate as best I can, I will provide my original comment replying to your ‘Entertain me!’ request here:

I have found a way to make the best of the targeted advertising on Facebook (which for some reason has only just started appearing in my FB feed).

Because, for my current piece of what I laughably call creative fiction I needed to know about names of women’s fashion stuff (like ‘what on earth is a crop top/tank top/bateau line), I did a fair amount of googling, and visiting clothing sites. Which of course turned out to have a gratifying number of hot models wearing crop tops, tank tops etc. I even know what apparently random strings of words like Raw Edge Cropped Sweatshirt Grey (the model here bears an uncanny resemblance to Keira Knightley) or Capped Sleeve Knot Crop Top White mean.

So far so good!

But now, almost all those highly annoying ads in my FB feed have changed from things like ‘185 years old and no life insurance? CLICK HERE!’, and ‘Project Reality WW2: Feel like killing Nazis?’ to linked images of attractive young women on sites like and

Which are actually rather fun.

I realise this may not entertain YOU, but it has improved my quality of life immeasurably.

I forgot!

Posted on Thursday 05/12/2016 01:52:54

…that not everyone I know here is also on Facebook.

So, for anyone unfortunate enough not to already know, you may download a free, FREE, copy of my Kindle eBook, Excerpts from a Butler’s Journal if you do so before the end of the week (midnight on Friday, US Pacific time). Leave it any later and you will have to pay $1.99. So get it now!

Can you spot the hidden objects in the picture?

Posted on Wednesday 06/17/2015 01:35:21

I’ve just bought some round, drilled, untreated wooden beads from Amazon – you know, the sort that hobbyists use to make necklaces from. When I submitted the order I got the usual ‘Frequently bought together with Wood Beads Natural 10mm Round 100 Pack’ and ‘Customers who shopped for Wood Beads Natural 10mm Round 100 Pack’ recommended items appearing. There was also a set of uncaptioned images under the heading ‘Top Sellers in Beads & Bead Assortments’, and one of the images – which, as I say, was unaccompanied by any explanatory text – was this one.

I must have stared at her it for at least fifteen seconds, thinking ‘Well, she’s very nice, but what on earth does she that have to do with beads?’ before my tardy male brain spotted the cleverly concealed items and made the connection.

How long did it take you to spot the hidden objects?


Sometimes you have to beg

Posted on Monday 03/30/2015 01:17:06


Sooner or later we all learn to lose what little remains of our self-respect.

The rise in the amount of junk mail in the 1980s saw various changes in the law over the next few decades that allowed people to protect themselves to a certain degree from being sent unsolicited mail. The Mail Preference Service, for example, meant that you could register with them, and any advertisers who subscribed to the service would not send you anything. There was actually a significant cut – not complete of course, since not all companies subscribed, but it made a difference.

Then Royal Mail realised there was a gap in the market. They could run their own junk mail service! And they did. So junk mail levels rose again. Could you opt out of the so-called Royal Mail Door to Door service? You could! But unlike the Mail Preference Service, which you could subscribe to by a few clicks of a computer mouse and a few strokes of the keyboard, Royal Mail decided you had to do so in writing, by letter, ‘for security reasons’. You know, in case someone else asked them to stop sending you junk mail on your behalf. So you have to write to them or email them asking them to send you a form, which you fill in, and return to them. Of course there is no verification process; they have no means of checking who has sent what, but it does put people off from opting out.

Still, I felt I wanted to make a gesture. So I didn’t ask them to send me a standard form. I wrote them a letter personally; a photo is shown above. I hope it will do the trick. I thought of including a five pound note, or even a tenner, but I didn’t want to degrade myself too far.



Posted on Saturday 03/21/2015 07:58:12

Sorry, Steve! I forgot to check the length of my last comment in your ‘Let’s play a meme game’ entry, as well as setting the sizes incorrectly. To compensate, I shall allow people to continue the meme here, in this normally hallowed place. I shall start with my own, which will fit this time.

To anyone else, who is staring at this in puzzlement, Steve suggested everyone should do a Google Image Search using their first name followed by ‘meme’, and post the first result. I posted the first ten, because I’m like that.


Virtual Unreality

Posted on Monday 03/09/2015 05:35:34

Because Mary has begged – begged – someone to update, I shall go to the extraordinary effort of reposting an old Journalspace post, which is about as creative as I’m inclined to be these days.

A few years ago I wanted to buy a SCSI card to fit into my PC. I searched the adverts in my latest copy of Micro Computer Mart for the particular type I wanted, and found just two dealers who listed it. The first one I rang apologised and said that they were no longer in stock, so I rang the other one; it was obviously a small place, more used to selling to the trade than to domestic buyers, but I foresaw no difficulties.

The woman who answered the phone was polite, friendly even, but was unable to tell me a minor detail I wanted to check about the card before I bought it. However she was able to give me the phone number of their technical department, and I rang this. The man who answered was a genial-sounding fellow, and after I had explained my needs he obligingly went off to look before coming back and answering my question, reading out the details printed on the box.

Pleased, I rang the sales number again to place an order. It was a man this time, and his Indian or Pakistani accent made communication slightly difficult, but we eventually made ourselves understood to each other. There was a short pause, then he came back on the phone again and said that he could not place the order as they were out of stock.

I was taken aback, but had sufficient presence of mind to hastily explain the situation before he hung up; that I had already spoken to one of their staff who had actually held the said item in his very hands only a minute or so before. I conceded that there was a remote possibility that it had been sold in the last few seconds, but he could easily check. I could give him the number if necessary. However it was to no avail. He remained obdurate. I pleaded with him; I even offered to pay for it, but he was unmoved. He explained slowly to me, as to a person of reduced mental capacity, that it was irrelevant whether they actually had it in stock or not; it was impossible for him to place the order while the computer’s inventory showed there to be none. Could I not grasp this simple concept?

I was obliged to abandon the attempt. It was distressing for me, but I eventually found what I wanted at another dealer, who was able to satisfy my needs. The trauma eventually healed.

But in commemoration, every 23rd of February I pause and observe a minute’s silence for the Adaptec AVA-1505 ISA SCSI card which has a real existence but not a virtual one, and which is therefore presumably still sitting lonely and forgotten on a shelf, getting rather dusty by now, doomed never to be sold.

All I ask is that all of you who read this tragic tale do the same. There must be many other items of electrical or domestic goods in a similar situation – are they to be abandoned by an uncaring society? Please spare a thought for them.