Posted on Thursday 10/11/2018 02:09:07

Back in July, Christine Harrelson (TuesdayPillow for those of you who remember her from Journalspace) posted the following challenge on Facebook:

Who can make me look like I'm emerging from a painting on the wall?
If this sounds like a fun project, let me know. It needs to be done within a month.

I accepted her challenge, and she sent me some photos of herself for me to work with. She gave me a free hand regarding the painting, so I chose Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer 1, by Gustav Klimt.

It took me a couple of weeks, a few false starts, a lot of tests with different coloured marker pens (I had no intention of trying a proper painting; I know my limitations), but I got there in the end.

As I noted in my diary when I embarked on the job:

I am optimistic I’ll be able to make something of it, though I have no doubt it won’t be as good as I imagine it to be in my head.

…which pretty well sums it up! I sent a high-definition scan to Christine, and she said she’d put it into the hands of her lawyers. I heard nothing for a while, then, when it was published on Amazon on 2 October, she said that she’d send copies of the CD to anyone who downloaded the album, Dark Matter. More to the point, that she’d send a copy of the CD for those poor souls who lived in England, as she’d be visiting there in early October. So I begged her to send me one, and she promised she would.

For the last week she has been feasting on such English gourmet delights as fish and chips, black pudding, fried eggs, fried bacon, fried… well, let me just put it this way: her arteries will be a good deal harder by the time she gets back to the US. And I have been waiting. But today it arrived. Proof that my artistic efforts had been recognised:

If you want to see it at a higher resolution, it can be found in my DeviantArt gallery, or if you’re too lazy to click on the link, here it is at medium size:

As a footnote, I would like to thank Nightbreed for the excellent term ‘Montgomery C Burns hands’, which sums up Klimt’s inimitable work so well.


The Taste of Human Flesh

Posted on Saturday 11/04/2017 04:03:12

Nightbreed emailed me the above image, and asked me to upload it to a hosting site and link to it here. I was happy to do so; I wish that those selling human flesh for human consumption should be able to do so as freely in the West as they are in South Korea. Cannibalism is far too much of a taboo subject to us. We should speak about it to our children more openly if we wish to live in a healthy society, don’t you think?

It is also a boon to those with strong nationalistic feelings; in the United States, for example, such foodstuffs would be labelled ‘Tastes of Americans!’; only the flesh of those with full US citizenship would ever be used. It would help to make America great again!


Nothing left but emojis now

Posted on Tuesday 08/29/2017 09:08:21

My right-wing friend Michael Cramer lives in Houston, and the flood waters are seeping into the ground floor of his house. Many people had already left comments saying things like ‘Praying for you’ or the more brusque ‘Prayers’ (which has the additional advantage of avoiding saying what they were praying for). The most recent I saw was simply an emoji showing a pair of hands pressed together in prayer, which shows what a desperate shortage of letters from the Roman alphabet that the disaster has resulted in.

Not being a cruel man, I expressed my sympathy by leaving the comment:

Take care mate. I am lighting candles around my Donald Trump shrine for you.

I had been wanting to say something like ‘I have sacrificed a virgin to Cthulhu for you. Your safety is assured. Have faith.’ but since he is a Roman Catholic I feared he may not have appreciated the humour of the sentiment.

But it made me think of what else Facebook could do in this respect. Originally they only had the option to ‘Like’ a comment; they added other emojis to supplement this, and it struck me that ‘Praying’ could be another – and, in the interests of balance, one for ‘I am sacrificing a virgin to Cthulhu for you’.

Is that too much to ask of Mark Zuckerberg? I don’t think so. There must be a whole host of other spiritual emojis which could be added to save people the effort of typing out repetitive phrases expressing their religious thoughts. All we need is faith. We can make it happen.


To Pamela: An Apology

Posted on Friday 08/25/2017 07:36:57

I have a number of things in this life I regret, and I propose to resolve three of them in this post.

1. I would like to apologise to Pamela for my laughing response when she said that she stood like this when in public:

...a pose which I had likened to that which would be adopted by a prostitute.

2. When, in January, I’d received her Secret Santa Christmas present – a tee shirt from Flagstaff – I’d explained that I’d never worn a tee shirt in my life, as someone of my scrawny build would invite ridicule in doing so. I would now like to rectify that.

3. I want to publicly admit that it is considerably more difficult than I had thought to stand like a prostitute (or as I had naively believed a prostitute would stand). There is evidently more to it than merely standing with one’s legs apart and placing one hand on one’s genitals.

I hope she accepts my humble apology when she sees this photograph.


Facebook’s Suggested Posts feature now being used by prostitutes

Posted on Monday 08/21/2017 11:07:31

As many of you will be aware, I like to casually browse through Facebook’s suggested posts in order to keep up with the latest trends in women’s fashion. I was doing so yesterday when I suddenly came upon this one, which made me aware that women in the sex industry are now adverting their services on social media. Or at least – in the case or this woman anyway – offer to stroke the smooth, soft skin of the upper part of her inner thigh in a suggestive manner, while giving her client a smouldering look. Or maybe she is indicating that she will stroke the upper part of her client’s (or possibly clients’) inner thigh (or thighs, as the case may be)? Or one of her own thighs, and one of her client’s? It is impossible to tell from the advertisement, and I have not yet summoned up the courage to make an enquiry as to the exact details. It may lead to an embarrassing misunderstanding.

Before you all ask, she charges £119.99 (about $150). I don’t know. I just paid £230 for a PlayStation 4, along with a vibrating DualShock 4 controller and a game that I’m currently using to kill zombies*. Nor do I wish to risk offending Emily Ratajkowski when she’s in her present mood. I shall have to think about this one.

It can be terribly hard for a man at times like this.

* Though not, I should like to ensure you, in the sense defined under Kill A Zombie in the KCL Glossary of Terms.


Science can’t explain everthing

Posted on Sunday 08/13/2017 06:06:34

I have Facebook to thank for many things. I sometimes wonder if it ever appreciates how grateful I am to it for presenting me with, for example, the following suggested link:

It seems to me that if scientists concentrated more on things that really matter then they would be able to find the explanation that eludes them. But I am a layman. What do I know?

Another was called something like ‘Top 50 Hottest Movie Scenes in the Entire History of All the Known Universes, Ever’. The accompanying image seemed tantalisingly familiar, but I could not place it. It showed a young woman in a red bikini raising her hands to her bikini top as if she were about to remove it. Normally I ignore such insulting attempts to make me click on a link to a site displaying tawdry images of women’s breasts, but for some reason I felt drawn to this one. Fast Times at Ridgemont High, it informed me, was the Number One, and the young woman in question was Phoebe Cates. I still couldn’t remember if I’d seen it, but mentioned the matter in passing to Nightbreed, and she commented casually – as if the matter were of no importance to the world of science – that there were animated GIFs of the said scene to be found on the internet.

What could I do? What would you have done? What would a scientist have done? I realised my duty: I researched the matter in depth, and I present my findings below.

NOTE: My findings may not be suitable for viewing while at work. Proceed at your own risk...

All I can say is that I am deeply grateful not only to Facebook, but to Nightbreed, for making my life happier and more enlightened than it had hitherto been. If only scientists could concentrate more on this field of research rather than, say, nuclear weapons, then I am sure the world would be a more peaceful place.

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Tremble at my presents

Posted on Wednesday 01/04/2017 02:34:31


I sat down on the sofa, taking care not to spill any Earl Grey tea onto my bespoke Armani suit as I did so. Unusually I was sipping not from my favourite Royal Doulton china cup, but from a large mug with ‘WTF welcome to flagstaff’ printed on it. Normally I would regard a mug as being too plebeian a receptacle to use for my beverages, but today was different. Today was the day when my Christmas presents from my KCL Secret Santa, Pamela, had arrived, and I wanted to savour them to the full.

Tee shirt

However the tee shirt bearing the slogan ‘Bigfoot BBQ Flagstaff AZ’ would, I felt, be better modelled by one of the most desirable of my Basement Girls. As I sat back I admired the way that the red fabric was moulded around her high, shapely breasts, and felt pleased that I had turned down the central heating low enough for her erect nipples to stand out with such aesthetic perfection. Some female KCL members may make sneering remarks about the way male authors describe women’s breasts, but they don’t understand. How could they? They lack our finer sensibilities.

Book covers

As I watched her sensuous display and mused about male writers and women’s breasts, I found the fingers of my free hand unconsciously stroking the spines of my two other presents: Area of Suspicion and The Damned, by John D MacDonald, a man who bore an uncanny resemblance to the former British prime minister Harold Wilson. A coincidence? I didn’t think so.

Book backs
Harold Wilson

But full, round breasts and stiffened nipples aside, thank you, Pamela, for your presents, and there is no need to apologise for their late arrival. As any good erotica writer would say, it is better to come late than never to come at all.


Advice for my Secret Santa

Posted on Sunday 12/11/2016 12:07:08

The main thing is to think of something that is frivolous rather than useful, and which will amuse both me and KCL members when I post a picture of your present in my blog. Things like the pillowcase with a picture of Christy Dutton that Matt bought me. Preferably cheap – I don’t want you to spend a lot. Not that I’m suggesting Christy Dutton is cheap! But you know what I mean. I hope.

Having said that, if you do want to buy something I will actually use, your best bet is a film on DVD or Blu-ray (ideally the latter). I read a lot, but books cover a wide range of specialised preferences, while films are intended to satisfy a much larger audience, so your odds of choosing a film I’ll enjoy are far higher than with a book. If you do go for this, remember I don’t get out, and only have broadcast TV, so I’m very unlikely to have seen a film that’s been released in at least the last two years, probably more like three or four. My tastes are simple. Pretty well any action film that involves a beautiful actress with full, pouting lips wearing a close-fitting top that moulds itself around her full, shapely breasts and her stiffened, erect nipples. You’ve seen Denise Richards in Wild Things? Of course you have!

A low-cost video game either for my PC or my aging Xbox 360 (please note that I do not have an Xbox One) will also be well-received. Ideally a puzzle-adventure or a stealth game rather than a combat-heavy one, but they’re pretty thin on the ground, so I’ll take what I get. Just don’t spend much!

NOTE: Please bear in mind that due to region coding for DVDs, Blu-rays, and some video games, you should order such an item from within the UK, most obviously Amazon.co.uk (you will be able to use your existing Amazon account for any country’s Amazon store). Indeed I recommend you do so whatever you get, as it will save you international shipping fees, filling in a customs label, and a lengthy delivery time.

Remember! Just make sure she’s it’s cheap! May Cthulhu bless you!


Do you recognise my voice?

Posted on Saturday 12/10/2016 02:35:11

This is an old one I first posted on the blog I created on Blogger after the fall of Journalspace. It is, of course, reproduced here following Steve’s post about the strange results that can be had from using voice recognition software.

The following is the result of a test of the Windows Vista voice recognition software that came bundled with my laptop computer.


I want to see how well voice recognition works.

I don’t think that it works very well. This cannot recognise my main her mind name has Simon. This MS Latimer you flourish, no one I pronounce the less sense it makes is an interesting exercise, much rather a waste of time. I wonder how well it would understand me, who has in the superior entire. This is so close to the house narrower than the tightening. Want Neil O’Donnell for likes. I think I would be better off using the keyboard. Well, this not enough right. I wonder what the this thinking.

It wasn’t were led London been so likely to didn’t Diana and Indian born in the way handle and the work the oracle and in your walking.

I think I’m wasting my time here. Resign. I didn’t say that. I didn’t say he in resign, I sale of northern line. That this isn’t your thing and lands and the work, is made company hierarchy and makes no sense at all.

Let’s try again from the beginning.

I am determined to make this work. It name kill me, much I shall succeeding. This well be the name of our think that’s fine too.

Let’s try saying that my main. My and named after its Simon. I sailor and my nameless this fine and; her a note that HA next place next pace next pace I don’t seem to be able to next may us. How do you press next day? Nears its own difficult to next space?

This note groin. This can’t recognise an of a single word I say. One so complete waste of time. One of the main, no country line don’t know lorry? This is quite entertaining any other kind of way.

Well, I thought that this might make a writer like an entry., Fiercely in line with demand. Do they seriously expect people to use them? Know what this collection are I said at the front line. All of you, leave the country while you’re a. Neck space mine doesn’t to understand the next day?

I think this has been in the learning experience more of them all. Solomon! I send small dose for a of them are useless while one Clara.

Firemen and says that this is the her hand. Quoted by normal. Nell the narrow that didn’t work do this?

Thank you micros off. Lunch was so close to the Microsoft’s next place.

I am within a for despair. Five years of. I senate five years are. Nor five year terms, the years of never mind. No mine girl, I am at my wit’s end. KE this got to the next line! File say. Nome, or final say. How under fire can do I say he has this document? I want to savour this document. Nome, I want to see if this document. Gnome, I want to say he in this document. May room! Say! Gnome! Not Roman Lomax!

I won’t do this neck of the keyboard. Thank this for me mark!


As Microsoft says, this is cutting-edge technology, and is clearly quicker than using a keyboard. The above only took me about half an hour. One day all offices will be using it.

Sadly I didn’t record what I actually said, so no comparison is possible, but the penultimate paragraph was my attempt to save the document, and I think ‘How under fire can do I say he has this document?’ was probably ‘How the fuck do I save this document?’, while the last sentence was probably ‘Fuck this for a lark!’ ‘Want Neil O’Donnell for likes.’ was probably ‘What a load of bollocks this is.’ The rest must remain purely speculation.



Posted on Wednesday 09/21/2016 05:07:51

A friend of mine – whom I met on Facebook nearly two years ago – has rashly decided to become a member of KCL, despite my having warned her about the appallingly low standard of literacy of its members. Her user name is Nightbreed ‘After that old horror film.’ I had to look it up. 1990? 1990 is old?! Furthermore she impressed me by being able to set up an account here using an iPhone. I tried navigating the site to assist her without first being logged in and was unable to get anything at all to work. In fact I fared little better after logging in. Has anyone else noticed how most of the buttons on the home page don’t do anything? Anyway, she has found her way past the defences with which we surround ourselves, and is poised to create a blog.

I realise I don’t have to warn you to be nice to her. I know you will be. And I should like to tell you now that she knows all about me, so there is no point in your trying to embarrass me with references to my predilection for well-formed, visually appealing sentences, or of the teenage girls I allegedly keep in my basement. As for the sheep – well, I would like you to think of me as you do that fine man Mr David Cameron. When an Englishman is confronted with a dead animal, all he can think of is how he can simultaneously practice necrophilia and bestiality; that is just the way of it. There is no need to keep bringing it up in front of common friends. I hope we understand each other.

As I somewhat condescendingly told her of what to put in her first blog post: Don’t worry about saying much. The shorter the entry the better. Introduce yourself, so people will know your weaknesses. Mention you know me, and all will fear and respect you! Remember! Fear and respect!

Thank you. That will be all for now. You may go about your normal business.